Monday, December 31, 2012

He cares

I sat and held my needs
He joked and cuddle and smiled and cared

I blinded myself to the closet

He came in and rescued me. And kiss me. And help me. He made me hold him back. He cares.

All he's done is care for me tonight.

I talked about my biggest fear. People thinking me feelings are untrue, that what I feel are just exaggeration a and bullshit. He comforted me. He cried. I talked about how I have so much pain and feeling noone understands. He told me that everyone has that and I felt embarrassed. But he's right. I need to deal with this pain alone. That's the point.

I massaged his temples and tucked him him. He was the first man to ever tuck me in.

New Year's Eve

I was backwards on his front side. We were covered in warmth. He heated my root beauty. The ball was falling and he bit my neck and rubbed my buzzing root bee. I jumped on his matter and finished. I sounded and smacked and gave beauty.

New Years Resolution

Focus on what my heart is seeking
(Guitar, writings, arts, fascinations)
Eat as vegan as possible (try new diets)
Start transitioning to save the world (planet, energy)
Open up my sex with my fire
Be naturally open
Be real/truthfulto myself and to others
Learn something new everyday
Slow my pot roll
Take care of myself
Do what I need

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

He had me lay on him and rubbed me more. And grabbed me and held me and kissed me. I sat on him like a dead horse and thump thump

Here's my presents

I think it is morning, and sludgy cold, too.

Vibrating machines on little bumble bee spots. Bitten skin of smoothly fruits that seep milk into babies mouths. The bruises in that milk, boy the bruises. Butt Rhinoceros; GiSh. I have yet to drink your liquids.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Christmas Night. 9:66 PM

This is my first Christmas with the pumpkin butt down there. His presents for me were beautiful. He got me the coolest film of the smashing pumpkins playing life, 05/15/1996. And my possession ticket. He kissed me that very night. He got me coupons for back massages from him. Hahahahaha. That is all I needed to begin with. My back broke when I was born. Aw, babe boob. He bought me the Phantom of the Opera on Vynl. The Michael Crawford one. I think I could possibly be in love with the phantom. The love bent my spine and touched my root bones. And tapped and kissed my goddesses body.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

10 Awareness Practices

  • Mind your feet while you’re grocery shopping. (my yoga teacher)
  • Mind your chair while you’re typing.
  • When going through a door, think ‘I am I’ (Fourth Way exercise)
  • When putting on your shoes, try and put on the one you usually put on second first. (also Fourth Way, Ravi Ravindra)
  • Drink your tea without sugar if you’re used to sugar in your tea. If you’re used to no sugar, just once put in sugar. Works with coffee too obviously. The point is, like the previous one, to become aware of patterns and how hard it is to break them (Jiddu Krishnamurti). The point is NOT to change the pattern. A new pattern is just as much a pattern as the old one. Just create a bit more flexibility.
  • When you have to wait for something (grocery line, pc starting up etc.) breath consciously.
  • Cleaning the house: be aware of every step of cleaning.
  • Keep a diary of your thoughts and feelings. The goal isn’t to create literature, but to observe. So don’t mind repetition.
  • Notice… take a deep breath; notice five things you can see. notice five things you can hear; notice five things you can feel (shoes, pants, hair against forehead etc.)
  • When you’re annoyed at waiting for a stopping sign, or anything else for that matter, just SMILE (Thich Nhat Hanh, Zen Buddhism)

  • Read More by Katinka Hesselink:

    Saturday, December 15, 2012

    To give what you feel

    Is to give clarity. Clarity is good. Practice clarity.

    I've become a very open being lately.

    I am sharing what I am with everything. All that I feel. I am sometimes becoming too honest, but I have become very interested in the Self. I am the Self. You are. The Universe is the Self. We all share and interact in a large, beautiful, Synergistic system. We're lovely. There would be world peace if we all sunk into the highest forms of ourselves possible. The Earth is not there, though. It requires to be uneven create some sort of mind. Some sort of operation, processes of thought, individual consciousness. To all be at peace and in our divine selves would to be

    Jackie Butt

    We spoke about dreams. Jackie has giant worms. We talked about how our dreams our really our spiritual being are passing through other universal planes, landing somewhere else and behaving in its realm. And it's the realm of the subconscious communicating to you and to millions of separate spirits and consciousnesses. It brings back as much information and wisdom as it can, but the soul body is not always as strong as its physical. She cannot sustain as much energy.

    We found that we both cycle through deep phases of slowness. Buried hibernation. It's scary. We share the common feeling of such a low space in time of just low and seeping energy.

    Thursday, December 13, 2012

    I feel awful.

    I am so alone. I am dripping from my eyes. Why does everyone look at me through a slut filter? I think they do, anyways. I am not a slut. I've made a lot of mistakes. People have mistaken me, too. No one really know who I am; what is inside of me. Not at all. I am peace and light but only inside of my skin. My feelings come to me so hard and real. They cut me themselves. And so do I. Even Jon is seeing me dirty and wrong. I feel dirty. I am dirty. I am gross. I have decided. I'm scary. I want to sleep so bad. For a couple of days. I am just a puppet to fuck with. I am done hurting so much. Noone knows or cares or understands how I feel, either. I just realized that I may actually like that. No one should know. I need to stop letting people morph me.

    I am a human progression of the devil. But not the devil, but slight sin underneath light. Gray darkness. I am dead on Earth in peace and alive in the underworld.

    Sunday, July 8, 2012

    He rocked their heads off with their beats.

    (that was a song about Jack Evans.)

    I found Emily Turosgian (rose) today, and her boyfriend, Alex Wunder.

    We had stopped time. Paused. Boom. We broke the speed of movement directly in it is processed.

    no, we did not.

    Sunday, July 1, 2012

    They are here.

    They are all here boy hearts being pulled in exactly four directions. My sprit is being pulled away from each of them, individually. I feel very black. Not one of my darknesses though. But rather, a mix of different colors and substances leading go a shade of black, but not a born black at all. He's playing soma. My body is breaking away but my soul is running. This is very intense and cold and warming and scary and sick and dreadful dreadful deadly loving.

    And I want to pee

    Wednesday, March 7, 2012

    I met Jack Evans, today.


    Me. Wednesday
    Dylann and I left school early. He pick us up and had a really cool head. We set on the back of his old white car and just died and laughed.
    We got so much Arizona from CVS
    Hahahhahahahhaha. WIth a walking stick.

    ANd somehow ended up in Ferndale

    Treeeees and bug books

    Saturday, February 25, 2012

    Steve Aoki

    I went with:
    Daniel Simon
    Marco Ross
    David McGuffy
    Tisha DeGulio
    Kim Schreiber

    I met Steve Aoki.
    My head hurt.

    Thursday, February 2, 2012

    I went on the most lovely Adventure with Dylann.

    I went on the most lovely adventure with Dylann. She is a large portion of my current light-life. Absolutely, my sunshine. I would be dead without this lady. I am finding myself becoming almost needy of her energy, which I am going to work on changing. I have never been much of an individual, I am always sucking out of others or very dependent on people/things. She makes me feel less dependent, or needy of any substance or substitute to create happiness for me. We sung Edward all night. Screamed, really... It was the happiest night in a while. We went to Ferndale and found the Boston Tea Room, for the first time. It is wonderful. I bought a crystal. I believe that something beyond my 'wants' brought me to buy this crystal. I figured out the direct angle to rotate it to create a rainbow. It will hang from my neck from now on.

    Organic Food Market.

    Dylann and I left and road around. We spoke about how much we loved eachother. She told me this was one of the first relationships she has had that seems as real as it does. I felt like I could understand all that she gave to me. The words she told me filled me with warmth. She really loves me, I think. I'm not sure anyone has ever truly love me. I used to behave disgustingly, and unreal, which still pulls on me, and I believe to be the reason for being treated so disgustingly. But Dylann sees the light in me. We could not stop talking about how happy we made each other. She is beautiful. We met some lady with bright pink hair, along with a man, who screamed "ARE YOU READY?" We asked for what? "TO CROSS THE STREET." Fuck yes, we were ready! Ww ran and we raced and we skipped and we screamed. We kept laughing. I felt like I was going to fall over, I was so happy. We went to Goldfish Tea next. A lovely musician, Mark, played a song by my favorite artist: Joanna Newsome. That was extremely surprising to me. I even decided to talk to him, the stranger, which is very unusual for me. I got a picture with him. I can not find it. On our way home, Dylann and I saved a tree from the nasty roads filled with killing vehicles! But not really, the tree had already died. We attempted to use ear candles that were said to 'clear our minds,' which failed horribly. We originally thought that they were supposed to suck the ear wax out of our heads.

    We talked for a whiles about the lovely world, burned sage, cuddled and slept beneath it's cleans smoke and candle lights.

    The Next Morning
    Rummage sale! Boop Doop!

    I brought Dyalnn to see Zeds Dead, man! Her first rave. We had balls and buckets and pools of joy. I'm happy that I brought her so many smiles! But later, I found that she doesn't truly love the music. It sets her off. Which made me think a lot. Electronic pulls me away too, only some beats I can truly resonate with, otherwise, I only believe that the music has pulled me to some sort of addiction for joy. And I love to dance.