He cares

I sat and held my needs
He joked and cuddle and smiled and cared

I blinded myself to the closet

He came in and rescued me. And kiss me. And help me. He made me hold him back. He cares.

All he's done is care for me tonight.

I talked about my biggest fear. People thinking me feelings are untrue, that what I feel are just exaggeration a and bullshit. He comforted me. He cried. I talked about how I have so much pain and feeling noone understands. He told me that everyone has that and I felt embarrassed. But he's right. I need to deal with this pain alone. That's the point.

I massaged his temples and tucked him him. He was the first man to ever tuck me in.

New Year's Eve

I was backwards on his front side. We were covered in warmth. He heated my root beauty. The ball was falling and he bit my neck and rubbed my buzzing root bee. I jumped on his matter and finished. I sounded and smacked and gave beauty.

New Years Resolution

Change.
Positivity
Focus on what my heart is seeking
(Guitar, writings, arts, fascinations)
Eat as vegan as possible (try new diets)
Start transitioning to save the world (planet, energy)
Open up my sex with my fire
Be naturally open
Be real/truthfulto myself and to others
Learn something new everyday
Slow my pot roll
Take care of myself
Do what I need

He had me lay on him and rubbed me more. And grabbed me and held me and kissed me. I sat on him like a dead horse and thump thump

Here's my presents

I think it is morning, and sludgy cold, too.

Vibrating machines on little bumble bee spots. Bitten skin of smoothly fruits that seep milk into babies mouths. The bruises in that milk, boy the bruises. Butt Rhinoceros; GiSh. I have yet to drink your liquids.

Christmas Night. 9:66 PM

This is my first Christmas with the pumpkin butt down there. His presents for me were beautiful. He got me the coolest film of the smashing pumpkins playing life, 05/15/1996. And my possession ticket. He kissed me that very night. He got me coupons for back massages from him. Hahahahaha. That is all I needed to begin with. My back broke when I was born. Aw, babe boob. He bought me the Phantom of the Opera on Vynl. The Michael Crawford one. I think I could possibly be in love with the phantom. The love bent my spine and touched my root bones. And tapped and kissed my goddesses body.

10 Awareness Practices

Mind your feet while you’re grocery shopping. (my yoga teacher)

Mind your chair while you’re typing.

When going through a door, think ‘I am I’ (Fourth Way exercise)

When putting on your shoes, try and put on the one you usually put on second first. (also Fourth Way, Ravi Ravindra)

Drink your tea without sugar if you’re used to sugar in your tea. If you’re used to no sugar, just once put in sugar. Works with coffee too obviously. The point is, like the previous one, to become aware of patterns and how hard it is to break them (Jiddu Krishnamurti). The point is NOT to change the pattern. A new pattern is just as much a pattern as the old one. Just create a bit more flexibility.

When you have to wait for something (grocery line, pc starting up etc.) breath consciously.

Cleaning the house: be aware of every step of cleaning.

Keep a diary of your thoughts and feelings. The goal isn’t to create literature, but to observe. So don’t mind repetition.

Notice… take a deep breath; notice five things you can see. notice five things you can hear; notice five things you can feel (shoes, pants, hair against forehead etc.)

When you’re annoyed at waiting for a stopping sign, or anything else for that matter, just SMILE (Thich Nhat Hanh, Zen Buddhism)

Read More by Katinka Hesselink: http://www.allconsidering.com/2009/10-mindfulness-exercises

To give what you feel

Is to give clarity. Clarity is good. Practice clarity.

I've become a very open being lately.

I am sharing what I am with everything. All that I feel. I am sometimes becoming too honest, but I have become very interested in the Self. I am the Self. You are. The Universe is the Self. We all share and interact in a large, beautiful, Synergistic system. We're lovely. There would be world peace if we all sunk into the highest forms of ourselves possible. The Earth is not there, though. It requires to be uneven create some sort of mind. Some sort of operation, processes of thought, individual consciousness. To all be at peace and in our divine selves would to be

Jackie Butt

We spoke about dreams. Jackie has giant worms. We talked about how our dreams our really our spiritual being are passing through other universal planes, landing somewhere else and behaving in its realm. And it's the realm of the subconscious communicating to you and to millions of separate spirits and consciousnesses. It brings back as much information and wisdom as it can, but the soul body is not always as strong as its physical. She cannot sustain as much energy.

We found that we both cycle through deep phases of slowness. Buried hibernation. It's scary. We share the common feeling of such a low space in time of just low and seeping energy.

I feel awful.

I am so alone. I am dripping from my eyes. Why does everyone look at me through a slut filter? I think they do, anyways. I am not a slut. I've made a lot of mistakes. People have mistaken me, too. No one really know who I am; what is inside of me. Not at all. I am peace and light but only inside of my skin. My feelings come to me so hard and real. They cut me themselves. And so do I. Even Jon is seeing me dirty and wrong. I feel dirty. I am dirty. I am gross. I have decided. I'm scary. I want to sleep so bad. For a couple of days. I am just a puppet to fuck with. I am done hurting so much. Noone knows or cares or understands how I feel, either. I just realized that I may actually like that. No one should know. I need to stop letting people morph me.

I am a human progression of the devil. But not the devil, but slight sin underneath light. Gray darkness. I am dead on Earth in peace and alive in the underworld.